Clone Grown: 2 More Ferrets Copied from a 1980s Original
Black-footed ferrets were almost added to the roster of extinct species, but breeding efforts have helped to increase their numbers, and two new test-tube babies have just joined the fight to save this species in… THE GAME OF CLONES.
By Liz Days · April 27, 2024
Disclaimer: While this article is based on pre-cloned facts, it does contain some mutated genetic strands of satire.
It may still seem like the stuff of science fiction – new creatures made by copying the genes of an existing one – but around 22 animal species have been cloned since Dolly the Sheep in 1996. No one talks about the tadpole cloned in the 1950s because, I’m sure we can all agree, tadpoles just aren’t as cute.
“I think my tail is kinda endearing...?”
The benefit of this science stretches far beyond being able to freak out your friends at brunch with your cloned corgi named “Jake 2: The Return!” For an almost-extinct species like the black-footed ferret, if/when their clones survive, it can mean another day in the sun… and another lifetime of trying not to almost go extinct AGAIN at the hands of humanity. What a rollercoaster!
Black-footed ferrets—energetic and nocturnal with cute little robber-mask faces—almost disappeared forever after decades of farmers and ranchers killing the food that comprises 90% of their diet: Prairie dogs, known in the ferret community as “Fuzzy Yum Yums.” (The rest of their diet, oddly, is canned Spam and gummy worms). In the 1980s, seven ferrets were captured and bred in captivity, leading to thousands reintroduced to the wild at locations in the western U.S., Canada, and Mexico, but their species still needs diversification. (SEE: Inbreeding in European Royal Families)
Enter Elizabeth Ann, the first cloned black-footed ferret (genetic twin to Willa, one of the original 7), and her new twin-sister-cousin-grandkids (???) Noreen & Antonia. When Willa died in the 80s, her body was kept at the San Diego Zoo Wildlife Alliance’s Frozen Zoo, which is, of course, the stuff of nightmares. Take your children to a “frozen zoo” and watch their love of the icy movie franchise melt away before your eyes. Kids, if you don’t think Elsa did major damage before she remembered what love was, WHY DON’T YOU SAY THAT TO THIS FRIGID KOALA CORPSE!! Alternatively, in this hypothetical scenario, your kids could become genetic scientists. What a rollercoaster!
According to the Fish & Wildlife Service, Willa’s genes have about 3 times more unique variations than other black-footed ferrets. The question her clones want answering is whether Willa signed anything agreeing to be a DNA donor. Sources say that if it weren’t time to begin procreating for the continuation of their species (Elizabeth Ann has an out because of a reproductive organ issue. LUCKY!), they would definitely be filing a paw-suit as we speak. Noreen & Antonia will be forced to get their breed-on later this year when they reach maturity.
"It's been a real battle out here on the prairie. We p-dogs are grateful we're not getting poisoned or shot quite as much, but it's hard not to feel like we're second fiddle to our murderers. Ferrets are cute, but not as cute as we are, and CERTAINLY not as cute as a tadpole. I think we can all agree on that."