Honest Abe’s Epic Meltdown: Lincoln Loses His Head in Brutal D.C. Heatwave
Abraham Lincoln may have kept his cool during the American Civil War, but a recent heatwave in Washington, D.C., proved to be too hot for his waxy counterpart.
By Missy Baker · June 26, 2024
It was hotter than hell over the weekend in Washington, D.C. Which, let’s face it, is good preparation for the politicians who currently reside there, but tragic for the innocent wax figures caught in the sun’s brutal crossfire.
Record-breaking temperatures in the capital city caused Honest Abe’s wax statue to have an epic meltdown – literally. As the mercury rose, America’s most beloved (and I’m just going to say it, sexiest) president sank. First, Lincoln’s beautiful bearded face took the plunge, which ironically wasn’t the first time the president lost his head. (Spoiler alert for those of you who haven’t binged American History yet.)
The rest of Abe the Babe’s super hot body followed suit and began to melt into a shapeless white blob, which coincidentally is exactly how I would describe my summer beach body. (We have so much in common!)
Fortunately (for local therapists), the decapitated wax horror show nightmare is located directly outside a children’s Elementary School. Today’s lesson, childhood trauma is spelled A-B-E.
As the D.C. area remains under a severe heat advisory, local Abe-Heads are left wondering: what’s going to happen with Abe’s head? Media reports say not to worry. Lincoln’s wax noggin and signature flirty stovepipe hat are set for reattachment later this week. Seems like a good plan considering it’s still only June. I’m sure July and August won’t be at all face-scorching. It’s fine.
No one wants to admit it, but there’s a simple solution to this problem, and the Los Angeles Federal Courthouse has already solved it. All they’ve gotta do is get their hands on an 8-foot-tall, shirtless beefcake statue of young Abraham Lincoln posing suggestively in package-hugging pants (and holding a book because he’s not just a dumb sex object, okay). It’s made of rock-hard Indiana limestone, so the only thing this baby’s melting is hearts.
In the meantime, our country’s capital is stuck with a decapitated wax Lincolnesque blob who, despite his legendary resilience and raw sex appeal, simply couldn’t handle the summer heat.