Virgin-Industrial Complex: New Dating Show “Virgin Island” Recruiting Participants
People who have never done the deed can now apply to do it, on television, in a country founded by Puritans. What could go wrong?
By Katie Compa · May 29, 2024
Satirical opinion by Katie Compa, Odd News Show
Though television tastes are as diverse today as they’ve ever been, there is one thing we can all agree on: TV has way too many islands! Love Island, F**kboy Island, MILF Island—okay, that last one is technically “MILF Manor,” but we’re counting it as an island. That’s what it was called back when it was a joke on 30 Rock, where it should have remained, rather than what it’s doing now (which is televising generational trauma on, of all networks, The Learning Channel).
But to be candid, we would rather watch any of those than tune into the newest planned installment in the Island franchise: an archipelago full of self-proclaimed virgins looking for “The One,” (or as we call it, “one”) predictably named… Virgin Island. (As U.S. citizens, may we sue on behalf of St. Thomas, and/or do we need to also involve a British barrister to make it a class action and include Tortola?)
We came up in the era of the O.G. reality island—Temptation Island, premiering in 2001, where couples came together to do their absolute best not to cheat on each other in front of the entire viewing audience, so excuse us if we find this premise a bit prudish, honestly. On the other hand, we would buckle up and binge a season or five of Born-Again Virgin Island, and frankly, we don’t understand why that show wasn’t pitched to the network in the first place.
The show is currently recruiting people ages 21 and up (how far up are we talking here? This show already feels like it’s cruising right towards being illegal to make in five years) who identify as “stunningly attractive and confident singles” who “claim to have never had sex” as they seek to give away their flowers. (Yes, “claim”. I mean, we get that no one can submit to a virginity test in this day and age—although depending what state you live in, this could change, so let your representatives know no peace).
There are many things we wouldn’t want to do on television, and losing our v-card is certainly ranked highly—it’s like making yourself an entry in a burn book. We truly do not begrudge anyone working in entertainment the steady paycheck of hosting one of these shows, but we would turn this one down and keep our day jobs, largely because we would never be able to keep from involving ourselves in the drama and giving advice to these poor, wide-eyed naifs. Advice like, “Run!” “Leave!” and “Remember, you’re a virgin who can drive!”
You can apply to participate here.