Clucking Ridiculous: Chik-fil-A To Launch Streaming Service
You’ve heard of peak TV; now get ready for beak TV. Chik-fil-A has come for your wallet with its food, but now it’ll be playing chicken with Netflix by launching its own streaming service, an idea that was apparently approved by a lot of people.
By Bram Teitelman · August 23, 2024
Disclaimer: While this article is streaming with deep-fried facts, you may also experience some satirical buffering.
If there’s one thing streaming services need, it’s more chicken. With the exception of cooking shows, you can go for days without seeing even one paltry poultry on Netflix, Hulu, Paramount+, et al. Luckily, just like it usually does when you’re hungover or driving somewhere with no other options, fast food is coming to the rescue! Chik-fil-A announced this week that they’re moving from breaded content to branded content, and for some dumb reason, they’ll be launching a streaming channel. When asked why they’d do something like this, a Chik-fil-A executive angrily announced, “buc-awse.”
No shows have been announced for the outlet yet, but we’ve heard about some of the programming. One show, Pasture Point Of No Return, is a gritty drama about cows trying to muscle out hunters in their community by getting them to eat chicken instead of beef. They’re also going to be targeting the female audience with Chik Flix, their version of Hallmark Channel films in which big-city hens go back to their roots and find love with roosters from their small-town coops. Also, to compete with Comedy Central, they said there will be a lot of roasts. The less said about their late-night programming, Chik-fil-A After Dark, the better, but there are a lot of breasts and thighs involved. There will be no programming on Sundays.
They’re not the first fast food company to launch their own version of a Netflix killer, but most didn’t last long due to confusion. KFC’s streaming slogan, “It’s not TV, it’s KFC,” sounded too much like the former slogan for HBO One Cinemax Oh Wait Maybe It’s Just HBO Max Or Now Just Max. One started by Carl’s Jr. didn’t do very well because distracted parents thought it was Nick Jr., and were surprised when the streamer just kept repeatedly showing Good Burger.
Popeye’s streaming service didn’t work because the main content they had access to were old cartoons from the 40s. Research showed that viewers didn’t order any chicken but, for some reason, kept asking for spinach. Outside of that, the only films the service had were Chicken Run, 1980’s Robin Williams-starring Popeye, and both French Connection movies.
There’s no word on how soon the channel will be launching, but when asked about the cost, the restaurant said that it will cost a few buck buck bucks.