Stop the Steal? Air Force One Picked Clean by Thieving Reporters
You’ll own nothing, and you will be UN-happy. After years of theft from Air Force One, the White House Correspondents’ Association issued a stern warning to reporters against theft. But will a glorified press release be enough to stop this aerial crime wave?
By Jonas Polsky · April 4, 2024
Satirical opinion by Jonas Polsky, Odd News Show
You know what they say; never leave your valuables around a reporter.
Whenever a burglary occurs, the first thing the police will ask is, “Seen any reporters around here?” Pickpocketing, shoplifting, burglary, these are the hobbies of the modern journalist. Unfortunately in America, freedom of the press is protected by the Constitution, which means that as long as these remorseless criminals report the news, they can’t be charged with anything.
Journalists are immune from criminal prosecution, and boy, do they know it!
You’ll never meet a White House correspondent without money. When they’re not pretending to listen to a press briefing, they’re flashing wads of cash, comparing wristwatches, or shooting dice behind the presidential helipad. Tom Ford dress shirts, Gucci sunglasses indoors, Versace loafers with the price tag still attached, this is the uniform of the White House press corps. The only thing missing is a ski mask.
It’s a wonder that reporters ever have time to publish a story because they’re always in and out of pawn shops, peddling their stolen wares. They’ll sell anything and everything they can get their hands on: White House stationery, Presidential hand towels, Hunter Biden’s laptops.
This theft and resale of White House property is derisively referred to as “Trickle-Down Bidenomics.”
When the founding fathers wrote the Constitution, they made a devil’s bargain. Reporters get to live a completely lawless existence, but in return, we get great articles like “Americans Are Eating More Corn Than Ever Before!” or “Celebrity Faints While Shopping for Lip Balm.”
It’s a tradeoff, and we’re forced to take the good with the bad.
An unnamed Associated Press reporter strides into the cockpit of Air Force One and shouts, “Pocket check!” The pilot and copilot meekly empty out their pockets, powerless to stop the mugging. The reporter steps out of the cockpit, assessing his haul. Eighty-three dollars, a roll of Certs, a fifteen-dollar gift card to Kinko’s, and a child’s drawing of a smiling family. It’s signed “For Daddy.”
The reporter rips up the drawing and flushes it down the toilet. The toilet becomes clogged as a result.
The still-unnamed reporter wanders into Air Force One’s meeting room and finds the Ambassador to Uruguay. The reporter spits in his face. No financial gain, he didn’t steal anything; he just spit on him for no reason.
Personally, I don’t think reporters should be allowed to do that.
After an in-flight looting, everything on Air Force One has to be restocked. Toilet paper, coffee mugs, prepaid envelopes, it’s all gone. Once, a reporter stole a rubberized anti-slip padding from the plane’s boarding stairs. When the plane landed, President Biden walked down the stairs and slipped where the rubberized mat was supposed to be, and he fell down, humiliated in front of the entire world.
Last week was the final straw. The pilot couldn’t get the plane to start, and after an inspection, they realized that there was no gas in the tank. The reporters had stolen the fuel. It’s a sad state of affairs, and you’ll never hear about it on the news, because the first rule of journalism is that you never snitch on yourself.