Out of Service: While in California, a member of President Biden’s Secret Service detail was robbed at gunpoint. The president needs to be protected, but who will protect the protectors?

Mating App: Faced with a dwindling birth rate, Tokyo is launching an official dating app to encourage citizens to marry and have children. But how far are they willing to go?

The Wizard of Schnoz? One man set a new Guinness World Record by typing out the alphabet with his nose! Today’s workplace requires levels of productivity and efficiency that we could’ve never imagined three days ago. What new challenges lie in store for the modern worker?

Bread Alert! In Japan, rodent parts were found in several loaves of bread. As a precaution, more than 100,000 loaves of bread had to be recalled.

Get the Lead Out! An Idaho man has tied the Guinness World Record for most pencils snapped by breaking 110 pencils in less than a minute.

This Drink is TOAST! Panera’s Charged Lemonade is being blamed for the death of two customers. After a wrongful death lawsuit, Panera Bread executives decided it was time to remove Charged Lemonade from the menu, but how did it get there in the first place?

Not Horsing Around! In North Carolina, a miniature horse named Sweetie has set a Guinness World Record by having a nearly six-foot-long tail! That’s REALLY, REALLY long!!! But is this incredible horse the result of high-quality breeding or – some other factor?

Watery Grave: A dolphin was found shot to death in Louisiana. Police are on the case, but something about this dolphin murder smells fishy.

Give Me Liberty, or Give me Meth! During a drug-induced psychosis, a local fisherman became convinced that his friend was going to kill him and feed his body to Bigfoot. The man killed his friend, and despite claiming self-defense, he was convicted of murder. The Bigfoot in question couldn’t be located for comment.

Because it doesn’t require specialized equipment or a dedicated exercise space, planking is quickly becoming one of the most popular exercises for active seniors. But this local grandmother set a record by planking for four-and-a-half hours! Talk about core strength!

While participating in something called The Lombaby Games, retired NFL player Jason Kelce hid his Super Bowl ring in a wading pool filled with skyline chili. The ring was lost, teaching us an important lesson about putting valuable objects inside a hot tub filled with chili.

Coffin up a Lung? Skeleton thefts have rattled local cemeteries after a drug made from ground-up human bones has gained popularity.

Sure, corporations charge outrageous food prices, but that’s because food is a luxury. Walking up the street with a cheeseburger and a glass of milk is the biggest FLEX modern society has. Nobody NEEDS to eat, that’s what makes buying food such a status symbol.

Major Bag Alert! This theft was a CINCH! The homeowner wasn’t too GLAD to see this bag make off with such a HEFTY package. Should this DUMPSTER of a person get tossed in the loony BIN, or spend some time in the CAN?

You’ll own nothing, and you will be UN-happy. After years of theft from Air Force One, the White House Correspondents’ Association issued a stern warning to reporters against theft. But will a glorified press release be enough to stop this aerial crime wave?

Rage Against the Machine Learning? A robotic police dog was gunned down in the line of duty - should the public be upset about the forced disassembly of a mechanized dog, or is it just manufactured outrage?

It’s the meal-good story of the year! A recent UFC fight had to be stopped when one fighter decided to turn his opponent into a midnight snack! I’ve got a MUNCH he won’t be trying that again soon! Before I forget; CANNIBALISM!

Crookies; they’re the totally snackable Tiktok-certified dessert that has social media drooling! Hot, crispy, and oh so gooey, they’re everything that [TRANSMISSION INTERRUPTED, YOU ARE NOW OFFLINE]

Berry Unbelievable: Most blueberries are approximately the size of an average blueberry (give or take) but this blueberry is far larger! After being recognized as the world’s largest, this blueberry’s personality completely changed — and not for the better.

Pink Tongues and Pink Slips: With legalized marijuana, drug sniffing dogs are finding themselves out of work. What does the future hold for an unemployed dog with obsolete skills?

You CAN see me! John Cena left mortified after his life was destroyed in a cruel prank masterminded by fake-friend James Kimmel.

Tired of going commando? A St. Louis museum wants to break the world record of people wearing underwear on their heads. They’re asking guests to show up with underwear over their faces and hope to beat the previous world record of 270 people.

Epoch-a-lypse Now? Ever seen a Tyrannosaurus Twerk? To celebrate the extremely exciting opening of LegoLand’s Dino Valley area, brick fans gathered to break the costumed dancing record. But the real story begins after the music stops…

UH-OSHA! Staff at a Kentucky DQ were forced to eat ice cream with cleaning solution in it. Was it a violation of their human rights or good old fashioned teambuilding? No one can decide.

Scientists discover two humpback whales having gay sex. This deep sea hookup is making waves, and now the conversation has shifted onto land. They appear to be having a whale of a time, but should the photos have been taken at all?

Looking for a bargain? Too bad! The all new method of “variable pricing” will hike prices for food based on the time of day. Can’t afford the increased prices? You can have dinner at midnight or you can starve!

Owl never get over this. Flaco the owl, a celebrated New York City icon, has died after crashing into an office building. Gone, but not forgotten, residents of the Big Apple mourn his untimely passing.

Bone-a-Fide Faker: The Guinness Book of World Records has stripped Bobi the dog of his title of World’s Oldest Dog after an investigation found that the dog’s true age was unverifiable. Can Guinness be trusted after this embarrassment, and to what lengths will they go to protect their reputation?

Can I kick it? When an amputated leg was discovered on the New York City subway tracks, riders reacted with overwhelming indifference. The hacked up facts are all disconnected, and something that’s missing is afoot.

Baby, it’s COLD outside! The Alabama Supreme Court dropped an extremely un-CHILL ruling when it declared that a FROZEN embryo is legally a child. The court’s decision is getting a FROSTY reception. Do I need to stop being a SNOWFLAKE or should the state put the ruling on ICE?

Birth, decay, death. Life is a continual process of transformation. Can we live through this ephemeral experience like robots, coldly accepting the challenge of constant flux, or can we confront them head on like a vehicle, moving from beginning to end without regret?

An urgent memorandum came across the Viral News Desk and it was finally time to address the elephant in the room: the extremely on-trend practice of jamming dozens of matchsticks into your nostrils. If You Nose, You Nose.

Wain the Wombat is 34 years old, which is more than twice the average lifespan of 15. After being officially recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records, Wain’s life was forever changed.

Every year on International Pancake Day competitors race to set a new pancake-centric record. With simultaneous events occurring in Liberal, Kansas and Olney, England it’s truly an international pancake baking event.

100-year-old Taghi Askari dives at Doha 2024 World Aquatic Championships. This former competitive diver and centenarian had previously retired from diving in 1983, but joined the Doha competition to dive again at the age of 100.