Rigor Mortis? Motionless Grandmother Sets Planking Record
Because it doesn’t require specialized equipment or a dedicated exercise space, planking is quickly becoming one of the most popular exercises for active seniors. But this local grandmother set a record by planking for four-and-a-half hours! Talk about core strength!
By Jonas Polsky · April 23, 2024
Dying takes FOREVER!
Waiting around to die of natural causes is such a bummer! That’s why cultivating fun, low-cost hobbies is one of today’s TOP PRIORITIES for seniors. Having an arsenal of extreme time-wasters at your wrinkled fingertips is essential to help those pesky final years of your life zip by!
You’re a senior citizen; you’ve watched nations rise and fall, raised children and sent them off to die in pointless wars, and you’ve witnessed bigotry and sexism get better – and then recently get way, way worse. It’s time to kick back and enjoy your golden years, but sometimes – let’s face it – it feels like the days never end!
When you get old, free time can feel like a curse. Your windowless government-issued housing unit looks, feels – and let’s face it – SMELLS like a prison. You have to find something to distract you from the piss smell that coats every inch of your little piss house.
Whoever died in this house before you must’ve peed everywhere because this place freakin’ REEKS! Can you die from the constant inhalation of rotten piss fumes? Is that a thing? Why couldn’t they have shown some mercy and given you a window or some kind of air vent in this glorified storage unit? Wait, is it daytime or night? With no windows and a front door that’s locked from the outside, it’s impossible to be sure.
Your phone can only dial two pre-programmed numbers. One connects you to a Little Caesars customer success specialist named Rodney, and the second one is an AI-powered for-profit emergency services chatbot that charges by the minute. With entertainment options like these, seniors need to get creative!
Here’s our list of the TOP low-cost hobbies for seniors. You never know – you may just find your next time-killing obsession! Remember, the more time you can squander, the closer you are to dying!
Planking
Planking is like doing pushups but without the annoying motion. Just rest on your elbows and sit there like a human ottoman. Could you waste an entire afternoon planking? Don’t think about the life that you once had, just all the time that you’re destroying with this hobby. What if you died while setting a world planking record? Would anyone know? Would anyone care? Plank you, NEXT!
The Face Game
How many faces can you visualize? Do you remember what Abraham Lincoln looked like or even who he was? What does your own face look like? If you can only think of a fuzzy, shapeless void, that’s not a face, so keep trying! Playing a few dozen rounds of the face game is a great way to squander six or eleven hours per day. Try it out!
Listen to Your Melting Organs
As you become extremely old, your immune system begins attacking your healthy organs and dissolves them into a hot liquid goo. Monitoring this process is a great time-waster, so grab a stethoscope and listen in! You’ll be able to hear all the sizzling and gurgling of your organs melting down into formless goop. Move the stethoscope around your body and see which organs are melting the loudest! Jot down your observations and throw them in the trash.
But be careful; when the sizzling sound stops, that means the organ has completely dissolved! This could be bad news if it’s an important one!
Brain Detective
Try to remember who you once were – back in the before times, before you became old and enfeebled. What’s your name? What day is it? Who are your captors? Softly tango through the dark cobwebs of your mind and see if you can recall a single detail about yourself. Hold your eyes shut as long as possible and try to recall even a shadowy fragment of your forgotten identity.
Is Rodney from Little Caesars secretly your captor? Is the emergency services 911 chatbot just Rodney faking a robot voice? Why would anyone be forced to live in a sixteen-square-foot room with no running water? Are you being held captive here because you’re a former MK Ultra test subject who’s had their memory erased and locked away to be forgotten?
The sooner you’re dead, the sooner you can stop worrying about these questions! Let’s get to planking!