Man’s Best Fraud? World’s “Oldest” Dog Sets Record FOR LYING
Bone-a-Fide Faker: The Guinness Book of World Records has stripped Bobi the dog of his title of World’s Oldest Dog after an investigation found that the dog’s true age was unverifiable. Can Guinness be trusted after this embarrassment, and to what lengths will they go to protect their reputation?
By Jonas Polsky · February 26, 2024
Some secrets don’t stay buried.
My grandmother spent the last two years of her life trapped inside an insane asylum. She was stuck in a cramped padded room with soundproof walls. And to make the situation even worse, she was forced to share it with a roommate.
Guilty of no crime, possessing no mental health issues, she’d been placed there for one reason: to be silenced. My grandmother had been told a secret, a secret she was never supposed to learn. Over the years, she became obsessed, and the secret was all she could think about. She began by muttering softly to herself, and then the muttering became louder, just loud enough to be heard. She repeated a single phrase over and over.
“The world’s oldest dog is a fake…”
The achievement of “world’s oldest dog” in the Guinness Book of World Records is highly sought after. It’s up there with titles like “most violins kissed in an hour” and “smallest coin collection.” These crowning achievements are the bedrock upon which the Guinness Book of World Records has built its global reputation.
If any of the records in the book were discovered to be a sham, it would call into question the credibility of all of the records.
My grandmother knew she had to take action; she knew someone, somewhere had to do something, and she figured it might as well be her. She finally decided to call the FBI to let them know about the fraud. But the moment she mentioned the Guinness Book of World Records the line went dead, dialed a new number, and started ringing.
“Thank you for calling the Guinness Book of World Records; how may I help you?”
My grandmother hung up the phone in shock. The editors of the Guinness Book of World Records had compromised the FBI. There was no telling how far up this conspiracy went. The White House, NATO, Oprah? Powerful people and organizations weren’t going to help her. It was time for a new plan of attack.
That’s when she decided to go public. It was time to stop muttering and start shouting. If EVERYONE knew the truth about the world’s oldest dog (that it was a complete fake) then she would be safe. She bought a bullhorn and went directly to the nicest indoor mall that was within walking distance.
“ATTENTION! ATTENTION, EVERYONE! The current Guinness Book of World Records holder for the title of world’s oldest dog – IS NOT THE WORLD’S OLDEST DOG! He’s a fraud, a phony, and most of all – A LIAR!”
The shouting about the world’s oldest dog in public approach worked perfectly – in the sense that she was arrested within three minutes. It was never clear if her arrest and subsequent commital to an insane asylum was part of a vast global conspiracy, or just law enforcement rightfully assuming that anyone shouting about the world’s oldest dog is clearly insane.
I’m proud of my grandmother. She did the most important thing anyone in my family has done – surrendered her freedom and ultimately her life – all in the name of humiliating a dog.
And for that reason she’s a hero.